Dying, DYING
Nov. 28th, 2011 10:21 pmI can't, can't, can't write this scene, it's killing me.
Ok, MC's gay. He's currently trying to argue that his club is worth something, or at least shouldn't be shut down because it's not doing anything dangerous/wrong. One of the adults is like: are you gay? You are? So are you trying to make other people gay? Your club is called the Anarchy and Apocalypse club, and you CLAIM it's so you can make disaster plans or whatever, are you actually trying to make the world end so you can replace it with a gay one?
...and I'm writing this and I'm just dying inside. I'm trying to believe that no one could honestly ask these questions.
Then I thought it'd be a great idea to watch some quick Moment of Zen clips from the Daily Show. Um, I'm claiming a 'research' card now, and throwing that down as my excuse, just so you know. But I'm watching these, and I feel like my entire being is just rotting from the inside out. There's so many vapid, violent, WILLFULLY stupid/ignorant/uncaring people, and it's just PAINFUL.
Like, one of them was WARLOCKS ARE ENEMIES OF GOD...blahblahblah...IF HARRY POTTER HAD LIVED THEN HE WOULD HAVE BEEN PUT TO DEATH.
How do you argue with these people? I don't think you can. It's like this. I haven't seen that movie, however I find it unlikely that the woman being schoolfed there was in any way swayed from her convictions.
Arg. Whatever.
This scene is kiiiiiiilling meeeeeeeeee. This 'research' is agonizing. World, just stop it, stop hurting me. I'm going back to tumblr with funny gifs and cute kitties and clever, witty people who make this world worth living in.
Guess I'm done for the night. Fuck, I wanted to get another 1k. However, I don't think the last half-frayed thread of my sanity can take it, so yes. There we are.
Ok, MC's gay. He's currently trying to argue that his club is worth something, or at least shouldn't be shut down because it's not doing anything dangerous/wrong. One of the adults is like: are you gay? You are? So are you trying to make other people gay? Your club is called the Anarchy and Apocalypse club, and you CLAIM it's so you can make disaster plans or whatever, are you actually trying to make the world end so you can replace it with a gay one?
...and I'm writing this and I'm just dying inside. I'm trying to believe that no one could honestly ask these questions.
Then I thought it'd be a great idea to watch some quick Moment of Zen clips from the Daily Show. Um, I'm claiming a 'research' card now, and throwing that down as my excuse, just so you know. But I'm watching these, and I feel like my entire being is just rotting from the inside out. There's so many vapid, violent, WILLFULLY stupid/ignorant/uncaring people, and it's just PAINFUL.
Like, one of them was WARLOCKS ARE ENEMIES OF GOD...blahblahblah...IF HARRY POTTER HAD LIVED THEN HE WOULD HAVE BEEN PUT TO DEATH.
How do you argue with these people? I don't think you can. It's like this. I haven't seen that movie, however I find it unlikely that the woman being schoolfed there was in any way swayed from her convictions.
Arg. Whatever.
This scene is kiiiiiiilling meeeeeeeeee. This 'research' is agonizing. World, just stop it, stop hurting me. I'm going back to tumblr with funny gifs and cute kitties and clever, witty people who make this world worth living in.
Guess I'm done for the night. Fuck, I wanted to get another 1k. However, I don't think the last half-frayed thread of my sanity can take it, so yes. There we are.
OH HOLY SHIT, AWESOME
Nov. 27th, 2011 04:48 pmThat write in was AMAZING. I could weep with joy. I got a good deal of outline out of the way, and even added to my word count *gasp*
If I write 4k more today, then 4k and change every day between now and the deadline, I will make it! So, in that spirit, instead of going home to chaos and tumblr, I parked myself at panera. Hopefully I'll get 2k more before I leave, then another 2k in bed before I go to sleep.
YESH, SO CLOSE. CAN TASTE IT.
And there's another Boston write in on the 30th! Which I am DEFINITELY GOING TO! omg, the Boston MLs fucking ROCK, and I could kiss both of them!
NANO11, SAVED. I CAN MAKE IT, ahahaha, on my eighth try XD
But now the ugly:
I'm starting to doubt my ability to even construct sentences.
This story is NOT 18k from done. I'm going to have to KEEP WRITING. I resolve now to set a goal to finish... setting a goal when I'll finish after the 30th. Ahahaha.
I'm so deep into this story that I can't even remember other story ideas. It's making me itch to read over old notes to other things, just to escape. For now I have successfully resisted this.
There's more, but I need to go back. My tea is getting cold and my hands are shaking. Also, this is definitely the worst rough draft in the history of rough drafts. Every time I let myself feel a sense of accomplishment I just want to break down crying at the thought of ripping it all apart in the next draft.
EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CRYING.
If I write 4k more today, then 4k and change every day between now and the deadline, I will make it! So, in that spirit, instead of going home to chaos and tumblr, I parked myself at panera. Hopefully I'll get 2k more before I leave, then another 2k in bed before I go to sleep.
YESH, SO CLOSE. CAN TASTE IT.
And there's another Boston write in on the 30th! Which I am DEFINITELY GOING TO! omg, the Boston MLs fucking ROCK, and I could kiss both of them!
NANO11, SAVED. I CAN MAKE IT, ahahaha, on my eighth try XD
But now the ugly:
I'm starting to doubt my ability to even construct sentences.
This story is NOT 18k from done. I'm going to have to KEEP WRITING. I resolve now to set a goal to finish... setting a goal when I'll finish after the 30th. Ahahaha.
I'm so deep into this story that I can't even remember other story ideas. It's making me itch to read over old notes to other things, just to escape. For now I have successfully resisted this.
There's more, but I need to go back. My tea is getting cold and my hands are shaking. Also, this is definitely the worst rough draft in the history of rough drafts. Every time I let myself feel a sense of accomplishment I just want to break down crying at the thought of ripping it all apart in the next draft.
EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF CRYING.
Yay, really behind
Nov. 26th, 2011 07:29 pmYeeeah, I'm really behind. Whatever. 5k/day will get me to the finish line. 3k, I can do, 4k is stretching it but still possible. 5k is... rather unlikely. I'm not giving up, though. Even if I reeeally want to.
Tomorrow there's a write in at the BPL, and I'm going. I've been such a boring shut-in, and I'm starting to itch to meet people again. Maybe this one will suck as much the ones around here have, in which case, woohoo I got at least 2k from the train rides in and out! And if they're awesome? AWESOME.
*wants nothing more than to go to sleep*
Tomorrow there's a write in at the BPL, and I'm going. I've been such a boring shut-in, and I'm starting to itch to meet people again. Maybe this one will suck as much the ones around here have, in which case, woohoo I got at least 2k from the train rides in and out! And if they're awesome? AWESOME.
*wants nothing more than to go to sleep*
HALFWAY. I MADE IT. *fist pump*
Nov. 20th, 2011 11:03 pmFUCK.
FINALLY
only, you know, five days late. Still 8k behind. I can still do this! I can do it! Come on come on come on.
I turned in the last assignment that's due between now and Dec 8th, I've become much faster at making the filladex posts, and I don't work Friday or Saturday this week (due to the holiday.)
#THIS IS THE YEAR
([eta] and I owe it all to kittens XD)
The best part about writtenkitten.net is that it breaks everything down into 100 word chunks (more if you want it. I don't.) 100 words isn't that much, and is pretty easy to get. It's better than writeordie, for me, because I respond poorly to negative stimuli (or, rather, I respond really well to it, but that response - heightened anxiety - makes it harder to write. Yay, defeating the purpose.) Now I have all the time I need when I need to pause to think of a word that I want, or to plan the next scene out, or re-think how I believe a character would react to something. And when I'm done getting lost in my imagination - the ONLY PART of this whole thing that I enjoy - and get the words out, like MAGIC, I get PICTURES OF KITTENS. So, yay, 100 more words, which sometimes doesn't take long to get, and then OMG LOOKIT, IT'S SO CUUUUTE. It's just a win ALL AROUND.
I'm already 800 further along tonight than I thought I'd be. I'm still 8k behind, but as that's around (or not THAT much more than?) how far behind I was last week, at least I didn't slip further behind...woo?
I can still make it I can still make it I can still make it...
I'm already 800 further along tonight than I thought I'd be. I'm still 8k behind, but as that's around (or not THAT much more than?) how far behind I was last week, at least I didn't slip further behind...woo?
I can still make it I can still make it I can still make it...
“I haven’t had trouble with writer’s block. I think it’s because my process involves writing very badly. My first drafts are filled with lurching, clichéd writing, outright flailing around. Writing that doesn’t have a good voice or any voice. But then there will be good moments. It seems writer’s block is often a dislike of writing badly and waiting for writing better to happen.”
—Jennifer Egan
This.
Also, this:
http://writtenkitten.net/
BEST. THING. EVER.
400 more words exist than I thought would tonight. Still 2k shorter than I wanted to be, but I'm so tired that my eyes are, like, filming over or something else to make them fuzzy like this. It's super awesome. I wanted to get 3k more yesterday than I did, but my right shoulder decided to start spasming in the most agonizing way that I've felt... all year, or something /o\ I think that's a lie too. It was painful enough to make me cry, I'm still sure I was in more pain at a different point this past WEEK. WTF is this shit. Spikes in my side, shoulder hating me, blah blah. oh, whatever. I just can't even care right now. Too tired. Too upset at this being this far behind. #never going to catch up
—Jennifer Egan
This.
Also, this:
http://writtenkitten.net/
BEST. THING. EVER.
400 more words exist than I thought would tonight. Still 2k shorter than I wanted to be, but I'm so tired that my eyes are, like, filming over or something else to make them fuzzy like this. It's super awesome. I wanted to get 3k more yesterday than I did, but my right shoulder decided to start spasming in the most agonizing way that I've felt... all year, or something /o\ I think that's a lie too. It was painful enough to make me cry, I'm still sure I was in more pain at a different point this past WEEK. WTF is this shit. Spikes in my side, shoulder hating me, blah blah. oh, whatever. I just can't even care right now. Too tired. Too upset at this being this far behind. #never going to catch up
TWENTY THOUSAND. FUCK YES.
Ok, considering the fact that I didn't write for four days this month, it actually took me 12 days to hit 20k. So I should be able to hit 40k by the 28th. But then I'd have 2 days to get another 10k D:
Welp, THAT'S sure as shit never going to happen. So I need to aim for a minimum 2k per day from now on(and that actually wouldn't get me to 50k by the 30th either, but whatever, that's just a daily minimum, I'll get more than that some days...) I'm going to try and bang out another 1-2k this afternoon, and maybe more before bed (but that's unlikely to happen; today's filladex day.)
I don't have to work the two days after thanksgiving, so maybe those can be two more 3k days. (3k really seems to be my daily max. I'm completely fried after squeezing that much shit from my brain. At that at point my internal editor puts their foot down and refuses to allow any further "progress".)
Ok, considering the fact that I didn't write for four days this month, it actually took me 12 days to hit 20k. So I should be able to hit 40k by the 28th. But then I'd have 2 days to get another 10k D:
Welp, THAT'S sure as shit never going to happen. So I need to aim for a minimum 2k per day from now on(and that actually wouldn't get me to 50k by the 30th either, but whatever, that's just a daily minimum, I'll get more than that some days...) I'm going to try and bang out another 1-2k this afternoon, and maybe more before bed (but that's unlikely to happen; today's filladex day.)
I don't have to work the two days after thanksgiving, so maybe those can be two more 3k days. (3k really seems to be my daily max. I'm completely fried after squeezing that much shit from my brain. At that at point my internal editor puts their foot down and refuses to allow any further "progress".)
fix it later fix it later fix it later, fuck, fuck, fuck, goooooo. faster faster, ugh, why must my brain be a sieve that only catches shitty words while all the good ones slip right the fuck on through. wehhh.
brackets are your friiiiends.
p.s. anyone know any other songs like this one: Sea - George Winston? Fast, desperate, ohshitohshit. Pandora coughed this up randomly, and I haven't been able to convince it to find anything else like it. It keeps pulling up slow, sloppy piano crap, and I'm like nooo, not sex and emo! Fight scene, crying my gf just died! ARG *teeth grinding*
p.p.s. what would happen if someone got smacked on the face with the side of the gun, but the person holding it was a moron and still had his finger on the trigger? Say the bullet hits the wall behind them, whatever, but would anything happen to the person whose face was just pressed against an active gun in that instant of contact?
Er, thanks! In advance! Back to banging on keys to watch the word count rise.
brackets are your friiiiends.
p.s. anyone know any other songs like this one: Sea - George Winston? Fast, desperate, ohshitohshit. Pandora coughed this up randomly, and I haven't been able to convince it to find anything else like it. It keeps pulling up slow, sloppy piano crap, and I'm like nooo, not sex and emo! Fight scene, crying my gf just died! ARG *teeth grinding*
p.p.s. what would happen if someone got smacked on the face with the side of the gun, but the person holding it was a moron and still had his finger on the trigger? Say the bullet hits the wall behind them, whatever, but would anything happen to the person whose face was just pressed against an active gun in that instant of contact?
Er, thanks! In advance! Back to banging on keys to watch the word count rise.
SQL is exciting! Ahahahaha *flaily hands*
/laaaaaaaaaaaame
I am such a dork, but at least I'm enjoying myself rather than flipping out because this is due, um, rather soon... *cough*
Oh, also:
woooo, really behind XD I'll try to bang out between 3-4k today, tomorrow, and Wednesday, which should get me to 25k-28k, and by Wednesday I'm supposed to be around 26k-ish, so I'll be right around where I'm supposed to be :DDD (so I'll probably just end up writing 3k each day, but that's fine! As long as I hit 50k by the 30th, I really, really don't care.)
/laaaaaaaaaaaame
I am such a dork, but at least I'm enjoying myself rather than flipping out because this is due, um, rather soon... *cough*
Oh, also:
woooo, really behind XD I'll try to bang out between 3-4k today, tomorrow, and Wednesday, which should get me to 25k-28k, and by Wednesday I'm supposed to be around 26k-ish, so I'll be right around where I'm supposed to be :DDD (so I'll probably just end up writing 3k each day, but that's fine! As long as I hit 50k by the 30th, I really, really don't care.)
mmm, heavy-handing the foreshadowing
Nov. 13th, 2011 11:35 amNaNoWriMo 2011
Dreams Can Come True If You Shut Up and Write
I fell, like, 8k-ish, words behind while trying to bang out the indexing for the promptalogue. That was pretty intense, but now it's done and out of the way.
I am really determined to get to 25k, or as close as I can, by the 15th. That gives me today, tomorrow, and Tuesday to get there. 11,000 words, three days. I usually write 2k at night, when I get writing done at all, so a little less than another 2k somewhere during the day shouldn't be that bad... right? COME ON, SELF. YOU CAN DO IIIIIT.
Ugh, but by stopping I lost a LOT of momentum. The last three hundred words took me two hours to write. (I... really wish I were exaggerating... /o\)
So, in an attempt to spice things up, and get back on track, I grabbed a pad of paper and made an outline of what's left, and got super excited about the ending. Then I was like, wtf, it's my november, my story. I'm going to write-sketch through the last scene, then come back to this. I've got a really good feel for it, and while I can't seem to think of even one more word for where I currently am, I have a hundred all ready to go just to start that scene. So I started it, and got another 200 words in ten minutes. woooo.
Except... now I'm stuck because... I. well. I'm really not sure I want to do this to my characters :/ It's really awful, and people are going to get hurt, and everyone will be scared and I just... feel so bad DDD:
MY BABIES. I'M SO SORRY.
Dreams Can Come True If You Shut Up and Write
I fell, like, 8k-ish, words behind while trying to bang out the indexing for the promptalogue. That was pretty intense, but now it's done and out of the way.
I am really determined to get to 25k, or as close as I can, by the 15th. That gives me today, tomorrow, and Tuesday to get there. 11,000 words, three days. I usually write 2k at night, when I get writing done at all, so a little less than another 2k somewhere during the day shouldn't be that bad... right? COME ON, SELF. YOU CAN DO IIIIIT.
Ugh, but by stopping I lost a LOT of momentum. The last three hundred words took me two hours to write. (I... really wish I were exaggerating... /o\)
So, in an attempt to spice things up, and get back on track, I grabbed a pad of paper and made an outline of what's left, and got super excited about the ending. Then I was like, wtf, it's my november, my story. I'm going to write-sketch through the last scene, then come back to this. I've got a really good feel for it, and while I can't seem to think of even one more word for where I currently am, I have a hundred all ready to go just to start that scene. So I started it, and got another 200 words in ten minutes. woooo.
Except... now I'm stuck because... I. well. I'm really not sure I want to do this to my characters :/ It's really awful, and people are going to get hurt, and everyone will be scared and I just... feel so bad DDD:
MY BABIES. I'M SO SORRY.
went to another write in. sucked just as much as the first one. I couldn't find any sort of gathering, so this time I just took off immediately. I think it was better than sitting around awkwardly getting absolutely nothing accomplished other than slowly being overcome with anxiety and misery.
I had more fun at the Iowa write ins D: but I'm getting more accomplished here... *weighs*
At This Rate You Will Finish On: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, SWEET, SWEET SUCCESS. THAT IS WHAT I WILL FINISH ON.
I had more fun at the Iowa write ins D: but I'm getting more accomplished here... *weighs*
At This Rate You Will Finish On: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, SWEET, SWEET SUCCESS. THAT IS WHAT I WILL FINISH ON.
That time of year again
Nov. 1st, 2011 09:09 pmHoly shit, I wrote 22844 words last year! While in school full time and working 35 hours/wk. I'd though it was 25k, but upon re-reading I feel like there's at least one short scene I remember writing that isn't here. Or maybe I'm full of it, and I only thought about the scene so much that I felt like I wrote it. Who can say!
So my goal this year is for my A&A Club story to hit 72,844 words. If I'm done with it before that, I'll start in on the sequel, for which I actually started writing notes/outlines BEFORE this story, funnily enough. Then my next goal is to finish that story by the end of next December :D But I shouldn't let myself get too far ahead on happy!fuzzy dreams. I need to get through tonight's 2k FIRST. :/
I'm starting to understand now why Chris Batty made that 'you must start every NaNo with a new story' rule. Getting this momentum going is tough. I can do it, though! I did really great last year, and I have way more time to go to write-ins this year, and I'm surrounded by creative people who inspire me and motivate me, and I HAVE SO MUCH HOPE. (Perhaps I have the same amount of hope as every other year. I really will never have a way to gauge.)
So. Here we go.
NaNoWriMo 2011
Dreams Can Come True If You Shut Up and Write
I'll probably post the rest of these as I go on my tumblr this year. niyis.tumblr.com
So my goal this year is for my A&A Club story to hit 72,844 words. If I'm done with it before that, I'll start in on the sequel, for which I actually started writing notes/outlines BEFORE this story, funnily enough. Then my next goal is to finish that story by the end of next December :D But I shouldn't let myself get too far ahead on happy!fuzzy dreams. I need to get through tonight's 2k FIRST. :/
I'm starting to understand now why Chris Batty made that 'you must start every NaNo with a new story' rule. Getting this momentum going is tough. I can do it, though! I did really great last year, and I have way more time to go to write-ins this year, and I'm surrounded by creative people who inspire me and motivate me, and I HAVE SO MUCH HOPE. (Perhaps I have the same amount of hope as every other year. I really will never have a way to gauge.)
So. Here we go.
NaNoWriMo 2011
Dreams Can Come True If You Shut Up and Write
I'll probably post the rest of these as I go on my tumblr this year. niyis.tumblr.com
(no subject)
Nov. 26th, 2010 10:22 pmI beat my best record!
Annnd now I have to stop and work on homework. Nothing is due until December, but I am really starting to panic about my grades.
Maybe it's just an excuse, but I have tomorrow and the 30th left for days off in November, and I am not writing 27k in two days. If I had another day or it was only 19 or 18... but. No. Homework time now.
Next year I think I'm going to try and finish this story. I'll have to have 74k at the end to call it a win. Still, I'm pleased with the progress I made this year. I wrote something more days than I didn't. It may have only been 2 or 3 hundred words during a break, but it was something.
Whatever. Time for sleeping. Ugh, that last 1k was brutal.
(no subject)
Nov. 18th, 2010 02:34 pmWellllll. I have now made it the farthest that I have ever made it since my very first nano, I'm fairly certain. I need another 12k, and I will have beat my past record. My unreasonable goal for the day is to hit 20k, just 2k shy of the highest water mark. My reasonable goal is to hit 16k.
There's a write-in tonight at the library, so that should help. I have the day off, and I've been sitting in a very comfy chair at said library since 11.30 this morning, and went from 6k to where I am now.
\o/
If I hit 40k this year, I'm going to call it a win. Obviously I'm going to keep trying for 50k, if it's not yet Decemeber, but if at 11.59pm on the 30th I have 40k+, fuck it. That's nearly double my best record so far. No mean feat for someone with a full time job who also happens to be taking two graduate classes. (Although, honestly, I worked my tail off at the end of October to make sure I'd have as little class work to do this month as humanly possible. Still couldn't get it all, some of it was very time sensitive, but whatever. Anyway.)
My largest hurdle current comes in the form of The Big Bang Theory. A lot of people have been trying to get me to watch this, but I was very busy being demand resistant. Now it's apparently half-way through the fourth season, and
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jzbell was like, "kk, Shellllldooooonnnnnn." and I was like "ooooooooh. He's so pretty and bitchy and smart. Ok. Yes please." and she gave me the first two seasons. Which I've already pounded through. <333BUT. I WILL KEEP WRITING.
Let's see what the 30th brings!
just one more word, just one more.
Nov. 7th, 2010 10:47 amOnly need to write 7.5k between today and Tuesday to catch up to my schedule.
*cough*
But! Who cares. I kept writing! That's amazing! I haven't given up quite yet! *keeps plugging away*
Also the app My Writing Nook is helping tremendously. It has a word count function and it syncs through google. WHAT MORE COULD I WANT?
Off to work now. =P
I wrote more! Wow! That's unusual!
I spent yesterday leveling with koji (<3333) and making food with Jon and Elizabeth, and then we watched Spaceballs.
Today I'm only, aaaahhhh... eight thousand words, or so, behind. I CAN STILL MAKE IT. *considers sobbing wretchedly, but then discards the idea in favor of ice cream and more writing*
